To the Editor:
I just read Leslie Collins’ article entitled “NE Residents Encouraged to Become Volunteer Inspectors,” and I think this nanny-state busy-body rat-on-your-neighbor project is a perfectly marvelous idea, especially for those of us liberal progressives who have nothing better to do than stick our noses up our neighbors’ rears. We should have an easy time of it, since most every house in the Northeast has at least one violation by today’s codes. I’d be more than willing to turn myself in straightaway, because the railing round my front porch is four inches lower than code, and my rear deck (referring to my house, not myself) throws a slight but noticeable wobbly whenever I descend the staircase.
But why stop with mere code violations? Everyone knows that obesity is this country’s greatest danger to national security (according to Michelle Obama), so I suggest we add overweight neighbors to the list of violations. And whilst we’re at it we might as well rummage through our neighbors’ trash bins to make sure they’re separating their recyclables properly. Just think of all the ways we can screw our neighbors-the possibilities are endless!!
I’m wondering how we would canvass the neighborhood as we search for violations-would we sneak about incognito or in disguise so as to remain anonymous (we wouldn’t want our victims to face their accusers), or would we be issued uniforms? (I suggest brown shirts with red armbands and an army surplus utility belt festooned with clipboard, code book, measuring tape, camera, two-way radio and taser-just to look official.)
I can hardly wait to scare the snokkers out of that old biddy down the street by standing in front of her house, stylin’ and profilin’ in my snazzy inspector’s uniform and lookin’ sharp in my Secret Service sunglasses whilst I call Central Command on my two-way radio to report a bit of vinyl siding gone askew-sign me up!
B.C. of Historic Northeast